never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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