I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
