I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
