fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
