I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
