Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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