i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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