I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
