how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
