Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
