Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
