good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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