My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
