my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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