This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Green mimosas i think yes
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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