why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
