im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
