she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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