I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
