I want to walk on stilts...naked
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
