wakey wakey hands off snakey
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
