These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
i believe in u and ur pee
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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