I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
