i wish my penis had a tongue
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
this is an emotional support booty call
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