I think I won the penis lottery.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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