Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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