I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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