Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
