Midget sex pt 2 tonight
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Green mimosas i think yes
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
