He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
