So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Randomize
