I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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