dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
