i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
