I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Boobs speak an international language.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
