oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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