Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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