I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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