I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
