If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
