2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
