k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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