Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
He uses pillows to masturbate.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
