So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
