I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
