I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
