Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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