I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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