She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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