so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
