When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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