Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
