My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
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